Sunday, May 13, 2012


 Mother's Day is a very emotional day for me. You see, I am the mother of an 11 year old daughter which I love dearly, but I do not have a relationship with my own mother. I have never felt that my own mother ever really cared for me or about me like she does her other 3 children. We have had an up and down relationship most of my life. As a small child my dad got full custody of me, but I still moved back and forth between them (whenever one of them got tired of "raising" me then I would would go to the other one). I have an older sister, a younger sister and brother by her and they all have chosen a very different lifestyle than me. They all chose a life of drugs and drinking and not working or taking care of their children, and I am the one made to feel like an outcast, like I am a bad person. I had finally had enough and just couldn't take it anymore. So about 7 years ago I walked away. Then maybe 2 years ago I decided to give it ne more try, same ol' same ol'. I can't be a part of that lifestyle and I most certainly don't want to have my daughter around it. So, why do I feel so bad? I am doing what's right for my daughter and my family, but for some reason I still feel like a horrible person.

 We have a Mother's Day March at church every mother's day and I dread it, starting about a week before Mother's Day. We all give an offering and say "in honor of" or "in memory of" and our mother's name. I never have a name to say and it makes me feel terrible, like everyone is looking at me saying, "wow, she doesn't love her mother." I have also been very frustrated with my weight loss lately, causing me to be extra stressed, so I flipped out on my own daughter one morning this week over fixing her hair, and then this morning the same thing happened, causing an arguement with her and Husband. I really hate that I have been this way and that I have taken it out on them. They have done nothing wrong. They are both super supportive of my decision to have this surgery and they both motivate and encourage me everyday. I would not be able to do this without them.


 On a happier note, I have finally lost a few pounds. As of this morning I am 255lbs. That is the same weight I was the day B (my daughter) was born 11 years ago. I haven't seen that # on the scale in a long long time. Needless to say I was very excited!

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